A Sure Way to Eventually Get Your Floor Mopped

1. First thing in the morning, when you are in a hurry. . .stand at the fridge and attempt to load a can of warm Diet Pepsi so that it will be cool at lunch time.

2. Promptly drop from shoulder-height the last Diet Pepsi you are loading.

3. Notice how the Diet Pepsi sprays all over the the entire floor including under the fridge, under the pantry door and across the room to the other side of the bar. Notice the added benefit of coverage on the cupboards and fridge door, inside and out.

4. Because you are in a hurry, be sure to use Bounty paper towels ("the quicker-picker-up" towels) and spread liberally all over the entire floor. Be sure to remember to shove some under the fridge and under the pantry door. Quickly make some swipes on the cupboards and in the fridge.

5. Leave the residue to dry because you are in a hurry. When you finally arrive home at 6 p.m. because you didn't get a lunch and you are so tired from putting out fires all day, notice how dang sticky the floor is!!!

6. At this point, you have two choices: (1) Drag out the mop and bucket and clean it up; or (2) say, "What the heck, it can wait til Saturday or, better yet, maybe a couple of weeks." If you choose option (2) walk around on the floor very carefully. By this time, the floor is so sticky your shoes will permanently bond (better than Gorilla Glue) to the floor and you will trip on your face.

7. Want my advice? Buy a cold Diet Pepsi out of the machine!